July 30, 2008
Earth line
In the shower just now, I suddenly thought of what Kyn and I talked about when we had lunch together one Tuesday many weeks ago.
In our daily lives, surely we will get distracted by a lot of things that go on around us, a lot of (more beautiful and good looking) people around us. It's inevitable. We all stray. But we both agreed that the important bit is if we remember to come back to our initial course at the end of the day. Do we remember to go back to the person we have chosen to love and who love us?
The blog post that I was searching for a few weeks before (the one that I was digging for but where I only managed to dig out more forgotten posts) was something about finding an earth line. It was during a sharing session in Pathlight when Victor shared that it's important to find an earth line for yourself so that no matter how far you may deviate from the initial course, you always, always know to go back and can find your way back.
An insatiable appetite for novelty, for explorations and adventures, for the better, for the unattainable. That's us. But like Kyn said, "Get distracted, of course! But always remember to go back."
Indeed. Always remember to go back. Sometimes, we forget to go back... and hurt the people who love us, and are waiting for us to go back.
Yet, if the time comes when you remembered to go back but you did not want to anymore... that's when all is lost.
The war has long been lost. For me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:49
July 28, 2008
The Dark Knight
I watched last Friday. It was good!
I liked the themes, seriously or not so seriously.
Hadrian> you are right. It's an ambitious one.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:49
not just vaguely
"The whole world can wait for you... but you will only wait for me?"
Someone is getting very smart in quoting from me, using my words against myself, taking my responses as his own responses and basically, making me keep quiet.
But the one above, the quote above still remains mine for now. It sounds vaguely romantic, doesn't it?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:44
July 25, 2008
News post
LONDON — The “Christian the lion” video, which shows a full-grown lion hugging and kissing his former caretakers in a heartwarming reunion, has become an Internet sensation, logging more than 4 million views on YouTube by Thursday afternoon.
The two men in the clip are Anthony “Ace” Bourke and John Rendall who lived in London in 1969. They bought the lion, then a 16-kilogramme cub, from Harrod’s which then sold exotic animals. The department store had acquired the cub from a zoo but wanted to get rid of it after it broke out of its cage one night and wreaked havoc on a display of imported goatskin rugs.
The men named the cub Christian and kept it in their living room. They became local celebrities of sorts, the Daily Mail said, parading the cub around London, taking it to restaurants and even playing football with it.
But Christian soon grew to 84 kg and his food bills became exorbitant, so they were forced to move him to a wildlife sanctuary in Kenya. After visiting him periodically for several years, they found out that he had already adapted to his new environment and wanted to return for a last good-bye.
The men were told the lion would probably not recognise his old caretakers. But as the video shows, Christian not only recognised them, but ran to them and hugged them. "Christian stared at us in a very intense way,” Mr Rendall was quoted by the Daily Mail as saying. “Then, as if he became convinced it was us, he ran towards us, threw himself on to us, knocked us over, knocked George over and hugged us, like he used to, with his paws on our shoulders.
The next day, Christian walked back into the bush, where his lionesses and cubs were waiting. He was never seen again — but the power of the Internet guarantees that he will never be forgotten.
Thanks to the Internet,clip of pet lion embracing his former ownershas been immortalised.
>> Awww.....
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:26
News post
A diet high in soya may water down those little swimmers and lower fertility: Study
IN THE biggest human study into the effects of soya on fertility, a link between soya-rich diets and lower sperm counts has been detected.
The study by Dr Jorge Chavarro at Harvard School of Public Health in Boston, showed that men who consumed more than two portions of soya-based foods a week had, on average, 41 million fewer sperm per millilitre of semen than men who had never eaten soya products.
>> First they promote soya as a healthy source of protein, then now this. The whole thing about life and the world is, nothing is perfect and everything is double-edged.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:21
News post
WELLINGTON (New Zealand) — Some Taranaki parents have been branded child abusers because of the bizarre names they are giving their children. Taranaki is a region in the west of New Zealand’s North Island.
Family court judge Rob Murfitt expressed dismay about a trend of giving children bizarre names, as he made a nine-year-old girl a ward of the court so her name could be changed from Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. The girl was so embarrassed that she had not revealed the name given by her parents to friends, who simply knew her as K.
...
Other unusual names include Violence, Stallion, Cinderella Beauty Blossom, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucky and Midnight Chardonnay. A pair of twins was called Benson and Hedges and another, Fish and Chips.
>> Damn creative, I must say. But imagine this: "Fish and Chips, finish your fish and chips now!" Or Ben and Jerry? keke. Personally, I like Chardonnay. But Midnight Chardonnay is a bit too much. I think I might just name my kid Saintnity in future. That's not too bad, right? Or how about Nice (as in nee-s)? Or Amazing Grace? If it's a son, how about... Bravo? Hey, I do know of someone called Bravo! Damn, Bravo!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:11
July 24, 2008
News post
THE DAILY TELEGRAPH
A FATHER was arrested for suspected second-degree child abuse after leaving his son in his car while he watched the midnight showing of The Dark Knight.
David Farnham, 23, of Salt Lake City, Utah, left his two-year-old son inside his car in the parking lot of a movie theatre on Saturday night. At 1.22am on Sunday, a passerby saw the baby inside the vehicle crying and sweating profusely, said adetective with the South Salt Lake City Police Department.
Farnham rolled the windows up in the car “so the child could not be taken out”, according to a jail booking statement. He was located inside the theatre and the boy was taken out of the car. The boy was thirsty, but otherwise in good condition, Keller said.
>> HAHAHA! Seriously. Farnham needs a good spanking from Batman.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:53
News post
I read with some amusement an article on how the Beijing government has been putting up guideline posters to educate its people on conversational etiquette. Example, instead of saying, "it's over there" to the visually impaired, you should say, "You are wonderful!" (Now, where's the connection?)
This is in addition to a whole series of campaigns to educate/remind citizens to be patient while waiting in line, not spit, to practise good driving habits...
It brings to mind a mother who's breathing down her spoilt brats' necks only because they have a visitor coming to their house. Prior to this, her children are monkeys and she was entirely not bothered.
It, also, brings to mind another country, further down south from the host of Olympics '08. Singapore. Oh! That's us, isn't it?
Except our government doesn't go to the expense of printing out posters and tainting our garden city with them. We receive our share of 'The Citizens' Guidebook of What to Do and How to Think' via TV and printed news.
While I can understand, accept and possibly (on rare days) appreciate that such acts of tidying up your house and putting your act together are necessary, I think Beijing is really overdoing it. If I were a foreign delegate to Beijing during Aug 8-24, I would inevitably wonder if this country's entirely made up of boors and primates undergoing an urgent transformation to become gracious human beings. If I were a Beijing resident, I would surely feel very insulted by the government (like I sometimes feel about my nanny Singapore gahman).
The point is: education should start early and be consistent; reminders should be gentle.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:20
July 23, 2008
I didn't say that
still, i walk and walk... says:
i dun wish to see the world before settling down. but i wish there will be someone to see the world with me somewhere in time.
© e film deserves a better class of audience says:
tis mite sound weird to u.. cant tell u how happy i am for u..
still, i walk and walk... says:
haha.. realli? why? wats there to b happy abt? it's freakin scary to me.
© e film deserves a better class of audience says:
time.. time has a knack in throwning things back at u..
Or, did I?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:47
News post
LONDON — A couple have accused Tesco, one of Britain’s largest supermarket chains, of almost wrecking their relationship after it mistakenly included condoms in their online shopping list. ... Ms Lynn Newby was set to break up with her boyfriend after discovering a packet of 12 condoms on the “favourites” section of their online shopping list. ... An investigation had revealed that a new employee in the marketing department had added the condoms as a “special promotion” to customers’ online favourites list.
>> HAHAHA! Can you imagine yourself as Ms Newby? I guess I would be very perplexed. Condoms as a special promotion... that would never happen in Singapore. We are a country that needs babies, desperately. Maybe NTUC can take a leaf or two out of this hilarious incident?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:31
My tiny steps
I am trying to make some changes.
1. I get myself out of bed 15 mins earlier than the previous morning. Currently, the meter's pointing at 9.30am. The target is 9am. The deadline is 31 July. But to do that, and still make sure I sleep my minimum seven hours, I need to get in bed by 1.30am. When I first started out after I left my 10-6 regular-hour job, I could wake up at 8.30am and spend a whole morning fruitfully. That would be nice. And early enough.
2. I read the news online. Not exactly read. More like skim through. Because news can be so boring, and depressing. But hey! It's still good to keep up with it. Occasionally, there is some laugh factor in news too. And well, I used to have my "From the papers" series... I should be capable, still.
3. I limit my DVD time to not more than 2 episodes per day. Yesterday, I didn't watch any. But nope. The quota's non-accumulative.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:00
July 22, 2008
Where have I hid me?
Because you are right. On almost all accounts. At least, those that I still remember now.
When you don't know what is good or bad for yourself, then that's really bad. 'Cos you can't make choices and if life is about choices, that means you are pretty much fucked.
Have I spent a good big part of the past one-plus year trying not to remember such that not remembering is now really first nature, rather than second nature to me?
Has my initial seemingly rational decision to hide and protect myself evolved to become a self-centered and indifferent state of personality?
Knowing all these, what do I intend to do about it? You asked. A couple times.
I don't know. Can I say that I don't want to think about it and don't want to do anything about it? Does that make me less of a person, less of a person who should be capable of feeling so much more and thinking so much more? Does that make the people around me worried? Does that make them upset? Is that bad for them? Is that bad for you?
I want space. I want a lot of space. Because I just do. I don't want to deal with other people, unless totally necessary. I can't afford a lot of choices that others seem to think I can make. I don't think I can. Or can I?
Is it because it's late and I usually talk a lot more nonsense and feel agitated and lost and confused easier at night? Or is it really because I am more lost than I had planned to be and more confused than I had imagined?
Can I say that I just want to sleep on it and not do anything about it? Will I become another person altogether after many, many nights of not wanting to do anything about it? Will I become a person that even I don't know?
And start asking, again, "What happened to me?"
I already started asking that many times recently. Can I just push all the blame to you? That you made me realise another side of me that I am still not fully aware of? Can I blame someone for this?
I'm so tired. I want to sleep. I want to believe. I want to have some renewed trust in people. I want to be able to convince myself that it's ok, everything is ok, that there's nothing to guard against and I want to find that person who used to think, "So what? What's the worse that can happen?"
I need to sleep. Seriously.
And in case I forget, this is after a conversation I had with Emman. I don't want to take pills to improve my memory. Really.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:24
July 17, 2008
I dug in and found...
something I could use to remind myself, now that more than half of my good friends are married. That is the post of 22 Nov 2004. It came from a very dear friend too! Wonder how yong is doing in London...
when the secrecy started. Shameless Snow officially started losing his social life in November 2004. When he found his love life. That is the post of 7 Nov 2004. Of course I don't really mean that. Except since when was our last GID, Perv?
that Kay once wrote in this space, as one of my guests bloggers. Honestly, I don't remember that at all. I only remember Snow was one of my guest bloggers. Not Kay. But it's the post dated 17 Mar 2005.
a rather insightful (and impressively so) blog entry that I wrote. Just head to 6 Mar 2005.
another guest blogger, above-mentioned. I think, I understand now why our friends all thought we were ever an item. You figured too much in my blog in those early years. Anyway, Snow as a guest blogger on 12 Sept 2004.
so much... more.
that I used to write so much better. At least, I used to sound cuter and more witty and more interesting. What happened?
Damnit.
I dug in the past, hoping to look for a blog post that might not have been written. But I'm just quite sure I did blog about it. Just that, obviously, I can't remember when it was.
I will look again.
Meanwhile, what happened to me?
Leave this for thought... "Growth is the voluntary acceptance of oneself and jadedness is the involuntary acceptance of the things one can't change." ~ 12 June 2004
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:24
July 11, 2008
It's pouring noise
The truth is, I tried to blog about something just now. About talking myself out of a negative or just slightly irritated mood. But I can't concentrate in the writing.
Reason being, behind me, there's the radio emitting some English noise and outside my room, in the living room, my dad's favourite telly channel is emitting NOISE that's heavily Taiwan-accented.
It's a whole noisy space I am in. Maybe I should go back to bed and wake up just before lunch and just before work.
I realised, yoga, no matter where and how you do it, is tiring, as long as you do it properly. I can feel my arms and hamstrings reaching out for a bolster each and dozing off soon.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:05
July 09, 2008
A better label
Karen: What would you be? Straight? Gay? Or...? Stray?
me: I like the term 'stray'. Ok! I think I will be a stray. From a 'whatever' to a 'stray'.
I really do not like labels. It's confusing and totally unnecessary. Just as important as the category of Race in our IC. But I have to say the fun bit of being labelled is to be able to change labels every now and then. A bit like my msn nic. Having a nic is boring. Changing a nic every log-in is fun.
Same concept.
So, I will be a stray for now!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:27
In the mind
I've been having crowded dreams. Dreams that involve so many different people in my life that seemed to be related in some way but totally unrelated in another. In those dreams, my job is to shuttle between all of them and the roles I play in their lives, being the possibly slightly different person I am when I'm with different participants of the dream. Doing everything and yet nothing.
xxx
I'm in my yoga-training sit pose while using the lappie. I've been trying to do this for an hour everyday as practice for flexibility. Back flat against the wall and legs out 90deg, or legs crossed sole-to-sole and brought close to the body. Sounds easy?
Not when you have to stay upright in that position for an hour. It's very tiring on the back cos mine is just not quite used to being so straight.
But, I do aspire to have my forehead touch the bloody damn floor of the yoga studio sometime in my yoga 'career'. So, I gotta believe that ... anything is almost possible if you put your will to it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:44
July 08, 2008
Telly rises..
... to save the day!
AXN: Home of the CSIsss.
#55: Home of the addictive HK TV Series (I've completed my pursuit of
huo wu huang sha last week. Taking a respite now cos what's showing now are mostly repeats or series that I'm not interested in.)
History Channel: Home of all those super intriguing documentaries on well, history. Actually, a lot on religion too. Everything that has happened that changed the course of how we understand the world and how we might begin to understand ourselves. "Know the story."
Discovery Travel and Living: Samantha Brown (who else!) and all those glorious places all around the world, glorious food all around the world.
Having said that, TV is best on weekday mornings and weekday nights (actually cos wkday am repeats wkday pm shows). It is, ironically, rather crappy and boring on weekends. Especially weekend afternoons.
The lack of mention (at all) of Mediacorp channels is entirely not coincidental. Because who wants to watch another oh-so-predictable, long-winded, boring-lines-script telly series where a real life 40-year old acts the role of an on-screen 25 year old?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:03
July 03, 2008
My medication
All across the distance too. I said, 'no worries.' I said, 'do what you have to do.'
But I wish someone would talk to me. I wish I could just listen and not talk. I wish someone would talk to me so I can just listen.
But, I said, 'do what you have to. no worries.'
So, I try to listen to music instead. Or I slid my dvd in and soon, many different people are talking to me.
All those medication... is especially crucial for times like this.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:25
My pain
There are times when I walk out of my tuition sessions feeling, honestly feeling very guilty and very bad and very discouraged and disillusioned (whoa, that's a lot of negative energy...). Most people who know me well enough think that I'm a good teacher. Most of my students' parents seem to think so too. At the very least, I score high in the departments of Patience and Effort. Most of the time, I think I'm a good teacher too. Maybe not as good as any of those winners of MOE's Teacher of the Year Award.
But, there are times when I feel extremely bad for barking at my students. At the same time, I feel extremely disheartened and disillusioned about the whole education business in Singapore. These are the times that I feel the pain of being torn. Yes, 'torn' is the right word.
Increasingly, I feel disheartened about the education system in my country. The rate of disappointment increases by folds in the last year, since I became a full time tutor.
I find myself having to un-teach students what they have learnt in school - the misconceptions, the rushed and therefore, incomplete understanding of a topic - and re-teach. I find myself cracking my brains together with my students for an unnecessarily long-winded and tricky Maths question. I find myself at a loss of words to explain a needlessly difficult and abstract comprehension passage. I find myself digging hard and deep into my vocabulary bank to find a suitable yet not-too-difficult word to fill in the blanks of a cloze passage. I find myself, sometimes, lost in trying to cope with my students' school work. Of course, I find myself, half of the time, disorganised as I struggle to mark, check, explain, assess, (un)teach between English and Maths (sometimes, Chinese too) in not more than 4 hours a week.
On top of these, I have to manage my student. Manage their excuses for forgetting to do work, their lack of focus, lack of attention, excess of distractions, and the rewards system I gave each and every one of them.
Sometimes, I lose it at work. Like tonight.
I made my student cry. haha... As if it's something I can be proud of. But, honestly? I feel more torn and more pain inside than anger. Not exactly because I feel sorry for making him cry. But because I'm upset that there are matters, other factors at play for his learning that I can't control.
There are plenty more players in the education of a child than just a 4hours/week tuition teacher. I question the capability of the child, the amount of family support, the personality of the child. I question the school teachers, the teaching in school, the system, the expectations of the system. Most of all, I question myself.
I wonder, a few times, every now and then, if I'm slowly becoming the kind of teacher who is only doing what I'm doing because it's the only thing I can do and not because I still believe that I can contribute however little to these kids' learning, their growing up years, their first few steps in understanding this world.
During times like tonight, the fact that I can't answer that question myself scares and depresses me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:46
July 01, 2008
On macho-ness n a bit
Kyn: What happened to you?
me: ...
Kyn: Now you have nice macho arms. And I'm the one with the sissy arms!
me: It's the only thing about you that's sissy. (pause) Actually, not. there are a lot of things about you that are sissy. The amount of time you take to style your hair, change, shower... You are actually quite sissy eh? Anyway, thanks.
xxx
Kyn: So, don't you have to work?
me: What are you talking about? I'm going to work after this (lunch), you know.
Kyn: I mean, your other work.
me: (mortified) What other work? I'm doing tuition full time now.
Kyn: No, the research one...
me: (absolutely mortified) Kyn! I've left that since two thousand years ago!
Kyn: ...
me: I resigned last September and have been doing full time tuition since. (pause) You mean you don't know???
Kyn: I don't know. No one told me.
Hey, how could you not know?! I think I emailed you girls or something about this. You eff-ing... Even if no one told you, didn't you wonder why my time's so flexible and can have lunch with you on a weekday morning? You could have asked, really. You eff-ing... SISSY!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:45
Kyn's windows
There's only one way, one place for the buses to come into AMK bus interchange to let the passengers alight.
However, some people always like to have their own way, literally. Even if they have to imagine it a bit.
If you go down and then you go up, by the same distance, effectively, you are back to the initial square one.
FVB, I didn't know you are into blonde moments now. Sissy arms inclusive.
And you were right. I just didn't believe you.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:39